Life Lessons from the Royals

I'm having a rough week. I got rear-ended on Monday. My car's in the shop and I've been dealing with insurance companies all week. My lower back is hurting me and I'm not sure why. My wife is sick and probably going to pass the bug to me. I've been informed that we have unexpected family staying over tonight that we have to clean up for and entertain. I'm involved in a situation concerning a mysterious dead chipmunk (there's no possible way to elaborate on that).

With all of this happening this week, there's one thing I can always take solace in: I'm glad I'm not a Royals fan.

The Royals are ungodly awful. I didn't realize how bad they were until early this week when I noticed they had a nice long 8 game losing streak going. That streak is now at 13 games. They had a great chance to pull out of their tailspin yesterday when they took a 6-0 lead in the first inning against the Tigers. By game's end, they lost by 5, keeping their nosedive intact.

I went to their website and saw that I could vote for who should make the All-Star team. Looking over their stats to decide who I should vote for was like deciding which animal's intestines I'd want to eat if I were on Fear Factor. Simply nauseating. Their team leader in hitting is 70-year-old Reggie Sanders with 6 homers and 21 RBIs. Their best starting pitcher is Scott Elarton who's 0-5 with a 4.71 ERA. These are their best players and I'm supposed to pick an All-Star? I'm going to vote for Matt Stairs because he looks like a cross between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Larry the Cable Guy (see pic).

The bottom line is, sports fans, no matter what troubles you're going through, no matter how bad you think your life is, at least you're not a Royals fan. Knowing that, I'll be sleeping easy tonight.

(If you're reading this and are from KC, sorry. The suicide hotline is 1-800-IAMAROYALSFAN)

I Need a Nickname

He was 3 for 6 with two home runs and seven RBIs last night. No I'm not talking about Pujols, I'm talking about Ramon Hernandez, one of the best free agent signings in Orioles history. Ramon has always had a reputation of being a critical asset to a pitching staff, but it's his bat that I'm loving.

When a player is this good, they need a nick name. David Ortiz is Big Pappi, Ivan Rodriguez is Pudge, and Barry Bonds is Ragezilla, Harbinger of the Coming Darkness.

What about Ramon Hernandez? I think he's ready for a nickname and I can't think of a more creative bunch of guys to come up with one.

Thank You David Hasselhoff

I am now a fan of David Hasselhoff's music.

Dirk Nowitzki of the Dallas Mavericks has converted me. After taking out the loathsome Spurs at their own place in game 7, Dirk Nowitzki is allowed to sing Hasselhoff songs all he wants without being mocked by me even once. For those who haven't heard, Dirk said that he sings to himself at the free throw line to help him relax and that he was singing Hasselhoff's "Looking for Freedom" when he hit the game winning free throws in Game 3 of the series. I suggest you load that song into your IPod to listen to in the dentist's office, at job interviews, on dates, and any other tense situations. I certainly will.

In less important matters, in my estimation, the Dallas Mavericks will win it all this year. After my impressive game 7 predictions that I posted in the comments section of JK's blog yesterday, I'm going to trust my instincts that Dallas is this years O.T.H.E.R.S. (Over The Hump Eventual Reigning Successors). By this I mean that Dallas gets over the hump of beating the Spurs, which in turn will give them the confidence to propel them to win it all. This happens all the time in sports. A team like the Mavs had been looking at the series with the Spurs as their own personal championship. By winning it, they now have the confidence to defeat anyone, since they have now beaten the one team they knew had their number. And since confidence is the key element to winning, the Mavs are golden. Some teams who have demonstrated my OTHERS theory are the Pistons over the Celtics, Bulls over Pistons, Spurs over Lakers, Red Sox over Yankees, 49ers over Packers, and I'm sure there's more but I don't feel like researching it.

Lastly, answer me this: when you have a pure-shooting Giant German, a crotch-punching point guard, a coach who talks like he has gravel in his mouth, a clinically insane owner who jumps around the sidelines like an over-excited Chris Farley, and David Hasselhoff on your side, how can you not win?